It was strange I was debating whether or not to visit my friend Ferns grave in El Cajon. I felt like I was not ready to see it yet. I could not go to his funeral. It was a month after Nick's (my exboyfriend)...so I just could not handle it.- But I feel like I need to go visit his underground party pad and leave him some stuff,-but yesterday just was not the day to do it.- I think soon though.-My friend Andy says Fern's mom is happy when she sees that people visit, because she visits his grave EVERYDAY. So I know I need to go there.- Alone or with people. Either way. I think I would rather be with some people. I dunno.- So I am glad I did not go alone yesterday.- I want to make it special and bring some cool stuff.- It's so sad Fern was an only child.- I think that is why I could relate to him and just hang a lot.- And Nick he was adopted - so I think all of us were on this weird similar wavelength.
I will always remember riding in Ferns old VW with Nick and Laurie and listening to Ciccone Youth going down Highway 8. That was total freedom.-
I will always remember Fern and Nick coming over for band practice to my garage and Nick yelling for me beneath my bedroom window. We would drink beer all morning and play all day and the neighborhood kids would sometimes come by the garage and watch. I think I only learned 3 or 4 songs. But it was the best feeling in the world- even though it was only something that lasted for a little while. It will always hold a special place in my heart.-I think that is true rock and roll., just playing with your friends in the garage.- It felt totally real.-
On another note, I had weird nightmares about the guys from Redd Kross last night and my boyfriend was missing- and I was glad when I woke up he was next to me.-I hate dreams where someone you love is missing and you can't find them. I use to have those dreams about my Grandma, sometimes I still do.- I wonder what they mean.- I guess I am just afraid to lose people, I guess that is only human.-
On even another note, I think I have an audition for a film Sunday during the day....its a slacker/hipster film called Sunset Junction, seems like it could be fun..... And Strangers with Candy is being made into a FILM! Fuck yeah!- That rules.-I want to try and get an extra role in that.- That and Six Feet Under. That would rule.-
Classes started this week. I am behind in my History classes cause I missed one of them. I will catch up though. It's History-at least it's something I like.-
Next semester I am taking all art classes I think.- And online Art History classes from another college. I will see if that drives me insane.-
I am reinspired to do stuff. I would like to thank Andy for that.- Gracias.
XO
Star
