We also discussed my problems with anger.I am hot-headed.I am not angry in the beat someone up kind of way.But I do like to argue I guess.It is something I am learning more and more about within myself.And I am seeing it for the first time.I think I am angry because of the past.I am bitter about my grandmother's death and the fact that my family doesn't call me to see how I am, when I have made so much god damned effort calling them,trying to bring the peace.But I have had it.It makes me ANGRY tho because my grandmothers ashes are with my Uncle and we never really had the chance to decide whether or not they should be joined with my Grandfathers ashes,etc.I feel that they should and I spoke with my Uncle in November about this,and he agreed.Recently I emailed him and told him I wanted to discuss this,he did not email me back.I know he is going through a divorce/seperation but I have called,no return phone calls and emailed no returns (lately).I am not happy being treated that way.I don't think I deserve it.I am a fucking human being who just wants some closure on the death of my Grandmother who FUCKING RAISED ME!...I lived with her until I was 17.!!!! I think I have a right to voice my opinion.It hurts when your own fucking family does not give a rats ass what happens to you....I am glad I talk to my Mom and have grown closer to her...and I want to start talking to my Father again but I am not sure if I am ready to....I think my problems stem with some of these issues...The recent deaths of my ex boyfriend and friend have made life a little more clear in a lot of ways but vague in others.I know that life is too short and you need to love every fucking minute of it.And utilize it.
Where I stand now...I have been a little depressed and I think perhaps I keep making excuses for myself (which is lame I know but it happens)I have been bummed out because some people I thought were my friends have been a little distant and/or busy.And I have really needed people to talk to.But I guess it is hard for me to verbalize it and say "Hey I need to talk,blah blah"...I guess I internalize things...and get mad at others,but mostly mad at myself.I feel like I am selfish and unthoughtful,a blob of human flesh...but I know there is more to me than that...I just have to dig in and start expressing myself...That is why I want to make music,act,write,be creative....
This week has been great because I got back in touch with some old friends and just chatted and had a nice time...It's weird this week has been about re-connections and probably about re-connecting with myself.Spring is a cleansing time.I need it.No more excuses.
XO
Star
